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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29845689">lovesick</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyacynthia/pseuds/hyacynthia'>hyacynthia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>let masumi usui have good writing challenge [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>A3! (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, F/M, Found Family, Gay Masumi Usui, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Neglect, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sickfic, Unreliable Narrator</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:53:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,586</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29845689</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyacynthia/pseuds/hyacynthia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Masumi comes to some realizations, about the relationships of others and what that means for him. He does not handle them well. He knows that the Spring Troupe is there to support him no matter what - the only question is if he can find it within himself to ask for help.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>OR: Masumi Usui gets his character development.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Arisugawa Homare/Mikage Hisoka, Furuichi Sakyou/Tachibana Izumi, Mikage Hisoka &amp; Usui Masumi, Minagi Tsuzuru &amp; Usui Masumi, Sakuma Sakuya &amp; Usui Masumi, Sakuma Sakuya/Sumeragi Tenma, Sakuma Sakuya/Usui Masumi (unrequited), Spring Troupe &amp; Usui Masumi, supporting romantic pairings:</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>let masumi usui have good writing challenge [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2194161</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>lovesick</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm honestly amazed that I managed to even finish this fic. Shoutout to everybody on my private twitter who put up with me posting wordcounts on this one and screaming for a few weeks.</p>
<p>This is technically part 2 to a series, but as noted in the tags, I think it functions as a stand-alone? The first part is much shorter, but to summarize: it retells the events of the A3 prologue from Masumi's POV using only canon dialogue but takes some large creative liberties with his internal monologue and reasoning. It basically functions off of the idea that, since Sakuya specifically mentions Mankai having live-in actors in the advertisement, that Masumi could have found the prospect so exciting and yet be so unable to process how lonely he is that he assumes the feeling is love for Izumi.</p>
<p>Speaking of that, I didn't tag it because if I understand AO3's tagging system correctly doing so might attract the kind of people who would search for Izumi/Masumi, but... it is present, in a sense. Masumi often tries to imagine winning her love, and while he's clearly uncomfortable with it, he keeps forcing it for a while, and a sequence that is clearly a dream of Masumi's shows "Izumi" flirting with him.</p>
<p>This takes place after Act 6, but before Act 7. </p>
<p>Without further ado, please enjoy this "sick sick sick!fic".</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Coming to the realization that Izumi had feelings for Sakyo was a slow, arduous process - one that felt like a death by a thousand papercuts. </p>
<p>Masumi had known for a while that Sakyo was also in love with her. This was fine. Well, it wasn’t fine, because he wanted to be the only one in love with the director, but - it’s not as if he could blame Sakyo. Who wouldn’t be drawn to Izumi? Who wouldn’t seek out her warmth, with eager desire, like a traveller in a blizzard finally finding an open flame? </p>
<p>He would just have to do better. His entire life, that was always the solution: if he wanted love, if he wanted respect, he just had to do better. So this was the same. If he did better then Sakyo, then it’d be fine. </p>
<p>He knew that, and yet - when he saw the way Sakyo looked at Izumi, when he thought she couldn’t see, he felt sick. It felt so wrong, seeing somebody look at her that way.</p>
<p>(That had to be how Masumi also looked at her, right? Right? This was the same, right? No, it wasn’t the same, because he was going to win. So he… must look even more besotted, when looking at her.)</p>
<p>(Somehow, the image never sits right with him.)</p>
<p>So, Sakyo’s feelings he could understand. He may hate thinking about them, but they were easy to process. </p>
<p>But…</p>
<p>Well, for all of her many strengths and charms, acting was never a gift that Izumi possessed. Once her friendship and respect for Sakyo blossomed into something romantic, it was obvious in every regard how she felt. Only two people in the company would remain blind to this change: Sakyo and Masumi.</p>
<p>Somehow, it didn’t placate him - to see Sakyo sternly tut and fluster as his troupemates insisted the director was sweet on him. It should have. If Sakyo, who shamefully wanted Izumi’s affection and adoration just like him, was denying it - well, he would have no reason to, would he? He would have everything to gain from it being right. So it wasn’t true. It was a baseless rumor. </p>
<p>That should be enough, and yet.</p>
<p>The rumors never stopped. </p>
<p>Sakyo’s denial became less and less harsh, as days went on, to the point where it felt more compulsory than anything else. Another act, another falsehood - just a part of the show.</p>
<p>Masumi would remain steadfast. He would ignore the meaningful looks between the two, he would ignore the lingering touches, he would ignore the whispered words. He would work thrice as hard and twice as long, just to try and be better. If he was good enough, then his worth would be undeniable. She’d finally love him. He just had to prove himself. </p>
<p>Masumi was cast as the lead in their latest play - although calling it that was rather generous. Really, it was just a short anti-bullying PSA that a middle school had hired them to put on. The material he had to work with wasn’t very good, as the script was provided by the school, but that didn’t bother him. That just meant he could show how spectacular he really was, if he could shine even under these circumstances.</p>
<p>It was 3 AM or so, and he sat alone in the lounge going over his lines once more. He knew them by heart, of course, but there was always room for improvement. There had to be, if this wasn’t yet enough. If <em>he</em> wasn't yet enough. </p>
<p>“Masumi,” a soft voice - Hisoka, who Masumi would begrudgingly acknowledge as someone he was on friendly terms with (not to be confused with being friends) - calls.</p>
<p>“What,” he says. Immediate and flat - disinterested. This has no effect on Hisoka, though, a master of rudeness in his own manner.</p>
<p>“You’re exhausting yourself,” he says. “Come with me.”</p>
<p>“No.” And then Masumi goes back to his script, back to dutifully studying the lines that were the key to her heart. A hand firmly grips his back.</p>
<p>“Masumi,” he says carefully. “Who do you think… would win in a fight between us?”</p>
<p>Masumi doesn’t think it was a genuine threat, but… he thinks of all the shady business between Chikage and Hisoka, and shudders despite himself.</p>
<p>“So why don’t you just… come with me.”</p>
<p>Reluctantly, Masumi accompanies Hisoka. He brings him to a narrow stretch of grass in the courtyard - right in between Sakyo’s room and the storage room. It looks soft and inviting - not trampled on by busy feet and sharp cleats. Masumi wants to doze off in the little nook, but he reminds himself that he hasn’t earned that yet. </p>
<p>“Why did you bring me here?”</p>
<p>Hisoka sighs, and pops a marshmallow in his mouth. Masumi wonders where it even came from. Before he can think too hard, though, he gets a response.</p>
<p>“It’s peaceful here… isn’t it?”</p>
<p>“I guess. You didn’t answer the question.”</p>
<p>“Thought it was obvious… this is one of my most secret napping spots. It’s a warm night, so you won’t catch a cold. You should get some rest.”</p>
<p>A traitorous part of his heart wants to go along with Hisoka’s plan. But he can’t. He knows this to be true. But Hisoka would find that explanation to be unsatisfactory, so Masumi attacks from a different angle. “Is Sakyo even in for the night? He’d get pissed if he found me here.”</p>
<p>“He’s not coming back until morning,” Hisoka answers, all too easily. Masumi placates himself by deciding that knowledge of everybody’s whereabouts must be one of the skills Hisoka learned in that mysterious past of his. </p>
<p>(He does not think of how Izumi is also not at the dorms tonight. He does not think of the whispered plans between Izumi and Sakyo. He does not think about the vacation pamphlets he found a week ago.)</p>
<p>(The only conclusions he can draw from thinking those thoughts are dangerous - so he avoids them.)</p>
<p>Masumi moves his gaze away from the door to room 105 - away from those thoughts - and up towards room 205. Ah, the room that Hisoka and Homare shared - that provided him with another reason to reject this offer of kindness. </p>
<p>“That poet of yours,” he begins. “Doesn’t he spout his dumb poems constantly? That’d keep me up.”</p>
<p>Masumi could <em>swear</em> that he heard Hisoka mumble something about them ‘not being dumb’, but the words were faint even by his standards.</p>
<p>“I told Arisu to stop being so noisy for the night. Don’t worry about it.”</p>
<p>Many would laugh at the idea of Homare Arisugawa being quiet for even a moment, but not Masumi. He thinks of the soft looks exchanged between the two, the gentle touches, the honeyed words. </p>
<p>For a while, Masumi clung to their relationship like a life preserver. As evidence that Izumi already loved him back. Because Homare was brash and upfront about his love, just like Masumi, while Hisoka was cold as ice. So maybe Izumi loved in the same way that Hisoka did.</p>
<p>He gave up on that fantasy long ago. Hisoka appeared to be frigid and impenetrable, but Masumi had come to see through that during their tenuous allyship as napping buddies. Hisoka was not as bold as Homare, certainly, but he showed his love plainly for those willing to look - cups of tea during deadline crunches, earnest thoughts on the poems he still couldn’t understand, feather light kisses.</p>
<p> Izumi did not love him like Hisoka loved Homare. He still had to work harder. </p>
<p>“... guess it’s already helping.”</p>
<p>Suddenly, Masumi snaps out of his reverie. </p>
<p>“Huh?” </p>
<p>“Oops,” he says laxly. “Ruined it. But… you seemed like you were relaxing. Whenever I get stressed, I come out here… it’s nice. Helps calm me down.”</p>
<p>“I don’t need to calm down,” he says, in a very calm manner of voice that was not at all upset or defensive. </p>
<p>“‘M not gonna force you to do anything, y’know. But ever since Sakyo and the director got together, you’ve been upset. Wanted to help. Especially since tonight-”</p>
<p>“I - you <em>literally</em> forced me to come here! And they aren’t-”</p>
<p>He’s interrupted by a loud yawn from Hisoka. “Just forced you to try it out, not to stay. I’m tired. Goodnight, Masumi.”</p>
<p>And with that, he was gone - off to sleep with his caring and doting boyfriend. As if he didn’t just do something completely batshit insane. </p>
<p>Masumi stays in the little corner. Not because Hisoka told him to, he insists to himself. Hisoka is officially off the list of people he is on friendly terms with. This stunt revoked that privilege. So he has no reason to do something just because he said to. </p>
<p>But…  it is rather peaceful, and he should take advantage of it. Calm is hard to come by in the busy Mankai dorms. </p>
<p>He only indulges himself for a few moments. He’s certain that after a minute, he’ll march right out of here and go back to rehearsing. But the grass is soft and his brain is full of nasty thoughts, and he lets his eyes flutter close and -</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“Nobody’s out here, Temma-kun!”</p>
<p>He’s woken up - after who knows how long - by Sakuya, who apparently failed to notice Masumi in his corner. The sun is just beginning to rise, and while some of the courtyard is now illuminated in the faint light of dawn, Masumi’s corner is safely hidden by shadows. </p>
<p>Tenma and Sakuya sit down on a bench, and they’ve been having a conversation this whole time, but - Masumi is still bleary from sleep, and tuned out for a while. His body starts to become more alert, and soon he once again can process the boy's discussion. </p>
<p>“-don’t patronize me!”</p>
<p>“I’m not, Tenma-kun. I just think it’s kind of cute!”</p>
<p>“C-cute?”</p>
<p>“You have to do this all the time for your job, don’t you? But you were so shy when I asked you to help me…”</p>
<p>“Uh, well - I just didn’t want you to get embarrassed! Yeah.”</p>
<p>Sakuya giggles, but doesn’t push. Masumi wonders, during the lull of silence, what they’re even talking about. </p>
<p>“You’ll be in my dreams - so please, won’t you let me be in yours?”</p>
<p>Oh. Fanservice practice. Masumi was terrible at it, too - something about the idea of flirting with fans just made him uncomfortable in his own skin. That was because the only one he wanted to flirt with was Izumi. But even when he pretended it was her… he still struggled. He’d get one good line off, but then he’d get a swoon in response and he just froze. Even when he imagined it was Izumi who was giving him this positive feedback, Izumi who blushed at his words - it didn’t work. </p>
<p>“That - that was good,” Tenma says. Masumi thought Sakuya’s acting was shitty, but judging by the blush on Tenma’s face, he has to assume that Tenma was a biased judge. “Uh, you should - your smile is really pretty, so you should incorporate that more. And slow down your delivery a bit. ”</p>
<p>Sakuya nods, and repeats the line from earlier - adding pauses and smiles as suggested. This  goes back and forth for a while, with Sakuya eagerly incorporating Tenma’s feedback while the other boy grows increasingly flustered, and Masumi doesn’t know why he’s still watching. He’ll come up with a logical reason eventually, he’s sure. </p>
<p>“You’re so charming - you make me feel dizzy.”</p>
<p>This is… research. Yeah. He’s researching how to flirt with Izumi, using Tenma’s expert guidance by proxy of Sakuya. So he needs to watch Sakuya as closely as possible. His heart beats rapidly. He’s excited for… the research. </p>
<p>“Whenever I’m on stage - a part of my performance is always dedicated to you, darling” Sakuya says, his tone sweet and earnest. He takes one of Tenma’s hands and places it gingerly on his chest, holding one of his own hands on top of Tenma’s. </p>
<p>“You’re so wonderful, and to think I - I want to keep inspiring you, Tenma-kun.”</p>
<p>Masumi should not be seeing this. And not in the sense that it’s a social faux paus -  it’s that he physically feels wrong. It’s his brain and his body, working in perfect tandem, are trying to tell him to get the fuck out of here. He shouldn’t be seeing this, he knows, and yet - </p>
<p>He doesn’t move. </p>
<p>He watches Sakuya try and draw his hand away - bashful, suddenly lucid of what he has said. He watches as Tenma gently stops it from escaping, giving him a look as intense as the ones he wears in his dramas. He watches Sakuya smile and places his free hand on Tenma’s cheek. He watches as the two boys inch closer, closer -</p>
<p>He watches as they kiss, soft and quick. He watches as they part, both smiling and giddy. He watches the look that Sakuya gives Tenma - gentle, sweet, caring, and exactly like the one Izumi gives Sakyo. </p>
<p>As soon as he makes that connection, as soon as his brain processes the information - well, that’s it. That’s where his memory stops. </p>
<p>Because he immediately passes out.</p>
<p>Coming to the realization that Sakuya had feelings for Tenma was a fast, brutal process - one that made him feel like he was being ripped apart by one painful cut. </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>When he wakes up, he is low to the ground.</p>
<p>It’s not exactly the first thing he ‘thinks’, upon coming too, because it’s not even that developed. It’s a base instinct. To know where your body is, to understand your surroundings and assess for danger. </p>
<p>Next, his body informs him that he is terribly feverish. He is also in excruciating pain, and has a splitting headache, and - well, pretty much any way that a body can feel broken, his does. He doesn’t think he’s felt this bad in his entire life - not even back when he was 12 and had the flu and he had to take care of himself in that empty home all by himself. Usually, he tries not to remember moments like that. </p>
<p>Groggily, he opens his eyes, to try and gain information more nuanced than what his hindbrain could provide. He realizes that his mattress  - where he currently is resting - has been removed from his bunk bed and placed on the floor of room 102. He feels a damp rag across his forehead. He hears the steady, familiar clacking of a keyboard. </p>
<p>“Tsuzuru?” He asks, deliriously vulnerable. His roommate immediately perks up at the sound of his voice. </p>
<p>“Masumi!” He says, and it’s… comforting. Tsuzuru sounds like he cares about him. Masumi is too tired to try and fight this, too tired to try and defend himself against feeling like this. “Oh, thank goodness, you’re finally awake… Guys, Masumi woke up!”</p>
<p>He can hear a stampede of footsteps coming from outside - their response quick, as if waiting for him - and the entirety of the Spring Troupe, plus Izumi and Hisoka, are in his room. They began to all talk to him, their speech overlapping. </p>
<p>“Masumi! I am glad to see that you are alive. You looked so very unhealthy.”</p>
<p>“I have an exotic spice that a colleague of mine provided, and-”</p>
<p>“Yeah, NGL, you seemed like you had been totally KO’d. What even happened to you?”</p>
<p>“- it’s said that it’ll heal any illness, no matter how dire-”</p>
<p>“Tenma-kun and I were just - <em>uh</em> - hanging out in the courtyard, but then suddenly Hisoka jumped off the second floor and told us to go get help and it was all so sudden and I was so worried but I’m so happy that you’re okay!”</p>
<p>“ - now, for a spice-lover such as myself, I could hardly bear to part with such a thing for free-”</p>
<p>“I… I felt like something was wrong… Arisu says the weather must have disagreed with him, but ...”</p>
<p>“- haha, just kidding. They do say spicy food is good for clearing up your system - I’ll make you some special curry for a speedy recovery.”</p>
<p>“<em>Boys!</em>” Izumi finally cuts through the chaos, her voice like a ray of sunshine on his cloudy day. “Let’s not overwhelm him. Masumi-kun, how are you feeling?”</p>
<p>If he were more alert, he would have taken the opportunity to say ‘better, now that you’re here’, but the thought didn’t even cross his mind. Instead, he answered honestly. “Terrible.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry to hear that… is there any way we can help? Do you need any pain relievers?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. And headache meds…” </p>
<p>Izumi nods. “I’ll go fetch those for you. I texted the doctor that Azuma-san is friends with after you woke up, and she said she’ll be here in 30 minutes, so just hang in tight until then, okay?’</p>
<p>And then she’s off, and his heart feels sticky and full. What terrible luck - she’s taking care of him, and he’s too sick to even properly appreciate it. He feels so grateful, but he knows he’s not feeling it right. This should be an ultimate romantic gesture from her, and yet - it’s <em>not.</em> </p>
<p>Stupid sick brain.</p>
<p>He groans. “Why are you all making such a fuss, anyway...”</p>
<p>The reactions he receives are a mixture between concern and confusion and pity. It unsettles him. </p>
<p>“You were passed out in a secluded part of the courtyard, all alone, running a high fever, and nobody seems to know how this happened. Why wouldn’t we fuss? We’re <em>worried,</em>” Tsuzuru explains gently. </p>
<p>Oh. He somehow keeps forgetting this - the people here care about him. Why does he always do that? To keep himself on track for his goal? Maybe he’s just dumb and delirious, but he wonders if he should start to change that. If he should try to keep remembering this - the family that he’s found. They fought so hard to keep him with them, and yet he turned a blind eye to their kindness so many times. The sinking feeling of guilt begins to spread throughout him. </p>
<p>“Oh, uh… I do know how he got there... “ Hisoka offers. “My fault… he’s been stressed out about Sakyo and the Director anyway, and I thought things would be really bad during their first vacation together, so I showed him one of my special napping spots. I dunno how he got like this, though. I checked on him every thirty minutes or so… he was fine, and then he wasn’t.”</p>
<p>“Uhm, Tenma-kun and I didn’t see him when we entered, but the sun was just beginning to rise, so maybe we missed him?”</p>
<p>Sakyo and Izumi on a vacation? Hisoka babysitting him like he was incompetent? And Tenma-</p>
<p>Oh. Yeah. That happened. Somehow he had blocked it out, but it floods back - the cheesy lines that Sakuya practiced and Tenma praised, and the affectionate kiss, and the soft look and -</p>
<p>He’s had enough of this, his brain decides. Processing information and being awake is overrated.</p>
<p>So he passes out once again - back to where his thoughts can’t hurt him.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Except that was a lie. His thoughts apparently haven’t had enough of tormenting him, and have come back for round two. He dreams - something he so rarely does. </p>
<p>Izumi comes up to him, and she’s beautiful. She wears a Hanasaki High uniform, and he’s too tired to unpack the tonal dissonance.</p>
<p>“You’ll be in my dreams - and now I’m in yours,” she says sweetly, and it makes his stomach flip. This is romance, he must remind himself - it may feel uncomfortable, but this is what the price of true love is. This is not pain, this is bliss. </p>
<p>“You’re so charming - you make me feel dizzy.”</p>
<p>The feeling is mutual. He feels so disoriented, hearing these lines from her - he’s longed for this, hasn’t he? Why isn’t this joyous? What is he doing wrong? </p>
<p>“Whenever I’m directing - a part of my vision is always dedicated to you, darling. You’re so wonderful, and to think I - I want to keep inspiring you, Sakyo.”</p>
<p>Huh?”</p>
<p>“Sakyo,” she repeats.</p>
<p>But - </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“<em>Sakyo,</em>” Izumi says once more into her phone, and Masumi is awake again. </p>
<p>“I get your point, but I really don’t think a curfew is gonna help. The doctor’s gonna be here in a few minutes, but I’m pretty sure it’s something similar to what happened with Kumon. Okay, Sakyo, I’ll do a company-wide reminder on LIME about maintaining your health, but let’s just get through this first-”</p>
<p>Masumi adjusts his positioning, and Izumi notices. “Ah, you’re awake again! Hold on a second, Sakyo - I’ve got you headache and pain medications, and some water, so be sure to take them and drink up.”</p>
<p>Masumi dutifully obeys, the cold chill of the water like a balm to his throat. He hopes the pills he downed with it will help fix him, because he truly cannot stand feeling like this. He tries to go to sleep once more, hoping he’ll be able to dreamlessly rest, but he can’t even do that. The indecipherable sounds of Izumi on the phone - now in the corner of the room, in a low voice, so Masumi can’t understand her - keep him awake. </p>
<p>Or maybe it’s more what they represent. The truth he can no longer avoid: Izumi and Sakyo are together. </p>
<p>He lets the realization come over him in waves. Memories flood back, obvious explanations he did Olympic level mental gymnastics to avoid. He doesn’t feel right, about any of this - this isn’t how it’s supposed to go. Not in any way. He feels crushed, which is good in a roundabout away - finally, he’s feeling one of the right emotions. He knows this is how it’s supposed to go, when your love is unrequited. He can at least do this right.</p>
<p>But is he, really? He’s read the manga that Muku recommended, and he can’t help but feel like he’d never be one of the protagonists. His arc doesn’t fit. He’s watched the shows that Tenma starred in, and he can’t help but feel like his narrative wouldn’t even make a B-plot. How pathetic. Not good enough, yet again. He’s a complete failure - both in love and in personhood. </p>
<p>An older woman with short black hair comes into the room, and Izumi says her goodbyes to Sakyo to greet her. “Dr. Takahashi, thank you so much for coming on such short notice.”</p>
<p>“Ah, it’s no problem. Anything for a friend of Azuma-san,” she says. The doctor kneels down beside the mattress. “You must be Masumi-san. I’m Dr. Takahashi, and I’ll be performing a quick check-up on you. Can you open your mouth wide for me, and say ‘<em>aa</em>’?”</p>
<p>He does. He complies with that request and the rest of them - a model patient during her examination. He thinks he remembers doing this kind of thing, when he was just a little kid. But it’s been so long since he actually went to the doctor for something like this. It feels kind of embarrassing, but if it’ll make him stop feeling this way, he’ll go along with it. </p>
<p>“Hm… it seems you were correct, Izumi-san. My diagnosis is that he’s experiencing a psychogenic fever.”</p>
<p>Masumi blinks. “Isn’t that the thing Kumon had?”</p>
<p>“It is,” Izumi says.</p>
<p>“But that doesn’t make sense. I’m not worried about the play or anything. I know my lines, and - <em>wait</em>, the play, we have rehearsal today-”</p>
<p>“Calm down, Masumi-kun. Taichi-kun is learning your part, so he can fill in the role if you aren’t well by showtime,” Izumi says. </p>
<p>Masumi hates this solution. Logically, he can understand it, but - that was his role. He was going to be the best at it, and show how worthwhile he was. He doesn’t like the idea of somebody else getting it. “I’ll be fine… let me keep the role. Are they rehearsing now? Let me get up and -”</p>
<p>The doctor shakes her head, gently grasping his arm to prevent him from moving further. “I don’t think so, Masumi-san. That’s only going to make you more stressed out, which will make your condition worsen. You said that you aren’t concerned about the play, but… can you think of anything else recently that might have upset you?”</p>
<p><em>Sakuya and Tenma kissed</em>, he thinks instinctually.  That had to be what upset him. He passed out immediately after it. But, wait - </p>
<p>He literally just learned Izumi and Sakyo got together. That’s <em>way</em> worse. That must have been what got him so upset. That was more important to him.</p>
<p>But Sakuya and Tenma still had to be related. Maybe it was because they were all around the same age? To see their love blossom, while his began to wilt… that made sense. It was jealousy he felt, certainly. </p>
<p>But he wasn’t about to speak thoughts like that aloud to a complete stranger. So he lies, and says “nope.”</p>
<p>Dr. Takahashi frowns. “Well, that’s no good. I can prescribe you some medication to treat your symptoms, but truly, this is a psychological issue. Unless the root of the problem is discovered and addressed, all I can do myself is provide bandaid solutions. I’ll be referring you to a colleague of mine, Masumi-san - Dr. Okamoto. He’s an excellent psychologist local to the area, and he should be able to help you get to the bottom of all this.”</p>
<p>Masumi doesn’t like the thought of going to a psychologist. Only people who are broken go there - that’s what he’s always been told. It’s for the weak, for those who don’t have the grit to work hard. And he’s not weak.</p>
<p>He’s not. But… a part of him wonders if, despite that, he is still broken. He doesn’t want to accept it, but it explains why his life has gone this way. Why his parents left him and why Izumi never loved him. </p>
<p>So he mumbles his consent for the appointment, and Izumi gives him a proud smile and it makes his heart feel twisted to see it. She didn’t expect him to actually agree to this, did she? She probably thought he’d make a fuss and deny needing help, and she’d have to ask him nicely for him to acquiesce. It’s his fault, isn’t it, for making her expectations be set so low? Really, it’s no wonder he was never good enough, if it took the dazed thought process of sickness for him to notice something like this.</p>
<p>“There’ll always be a troupe mate in here with you, Masumi-kun, until you feel better - so if you ever need anything, let us know. You aren’t alone.”</p>
<p>He wonders if he even deserves such a luxury, to be loved and cared for. He falls back asleep, his thoughts full of self-loathing.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Time begins to pass by in a blur. He’ll sleep - half of the time with a blissfully empty head, the other half haunted by visions too terrible to be dreams and too comforting to be nightmares. He’ll wake up, and one of his troupe mates will be there to dote on him. He’ll take his medication and drink his water and eat his food, and they’ll usually do something to entertain him. Chikage tells him stories that are clearly fake, Itaru narrates the mobage game he’s playing, Citron sings him songs in a language he doesn’t recognize, Tsuzuru brainstorms new script ideas, and Sakuya talks to him about nothing in particular. And then Masumi will fall back asleep, momentarily comforted by the presence of his family. </p>
<p>He thinks it’s been a day or two, since this all happened. He wakes up again, and the room is dark with night. A faint lamplight shines, and he sees Sakuya seated at Masumi’s desk, reading something next to a bowl that must be meant as his dinner. He’s feeling ever so slightly better, so he musters up the strength to walk over to grab his food, startling Sakuya in the process.</p>
<p>“<em>Ah!</em> You’re awake!”</p>
<p>“... sorry,” he mumbles, and it’s true, and that feels weird to him. He didn’t do anything wrong. Why is he even sorry?</p>
<p>“Don’t be!” Sakuya assures him. “Omi-san made some cold ramen for you, so that it wouldn’t matter when you woke up - ah, but we can always go heat it up if you’d prefer!”</p>
<p>“This is fine,” Masumi says, and begins to eat. It tastes just about as good as anything can taste during such a severe sickness, and he’s grateful for it. Sakuya closes the book he was reading - which Masumi can now see is a battered copy of <em>Romeo and Julius</em>.</p>
<p>“I was just getting really nostalgic for our first performance… I’m not sure if you even remember this, but Tenma-kun said way back when that it was my acting in that play which inspired him to join the troupe.”</p>
<p>Suddenly, the food starts to taste a lot less appealing. Hearing Sakuya talk about Tenma like that makes him lose all his appetite. Which he knows is weird. He can be jealous of them all they want, but ultimately, it’s his own failures that led him here. </p>
<p>“Oh, but - I don’t want to sound conceited or anything! Honestly, I think it was the entire troupe that made that closing night so special, but, uh - I guess I’m just thinking about how amazing it feels, to get to impact somebody through your acting. Because of, uhm…” </p>
<p>Masumi is tempted to tell Sakuya that he knows the damn reason, but he holds back. It’d only make things more confusing, because Sakuya would ask how much he heard, and he’d have to find a way to avoid saying ‘I passed out after I saw you kiss him because it made me feel like a sledgehammer crashed into my heart’. </p>
<p>“Well, lots of things! One of them is the PSA we’re doing, obviously, and - oh! It’s probably really upsetting to hear me talk about that, given that you might not be able to perform in it,” he says sadly. “I’ll find something else to talk about, let me think-”</p>
<p>“No, you can keep talking about it. It’s fine.”</p>
<p>He doesn’t know why he says this. Sakuya is right - it <em>is</em> upsetting to hear about it when his starring role was robbed from him due to his own stupidity. He doesn’t really want to hear about it. But somehow, hearing Sakuya so wistful about not getting to talk about it… some part of Masumi just instinctually wants to indulge him. Blegh.</p>
<p>He smiles brightly, and Masumi begins to regret saying yes - he just feels weird.</p>
<p>“Playing a bully character like mine is pretty tough - Yuki’s role has more depth, at least for something like this, y’know? But I think the whole point of my character is to show that sometimes people are just genuinely mean, and that has a purpose in it all. I hope that I’ll be able to keep it realistic while still maintaining a strong presence!”</p>
<p>When the cast list was released, he was baffled by Sakuya’s assignment - he could easily imagine somebody like Yuki as a bully, but Sakuya? It just didn’t make sense. A part of him wondered why he himself didn’t get the part, but he tried not to think about that, and instead focused on seizing this opportunity as the lead. </p>
<p>But during their rehearsals, Sakuya proved him wrong - something he seemed to do often. He definitely struggled at points, but he managed to show a whole new side of his acting potential - he was coming into full bloom. Masumi didn’t know how to feel about that. Even if he did know, he certainly wouldn’t know how to tell Sakuya. There were some things his words just couldn’t communicate.</p>
<p>So he avoided emotions like those. He asked different questions, and he changed the flow. </p>
<p>“And.. how does this have to do with impacting people through your acting?” After asking the question, Masumi decides he’s not going to get his appetite back anytime soon, and decides to return to his mattress. Sakuya moves alongside him as he answers.</p>
<p>“Oh, yeah! I was just thinking… impact isn’t always positive. Sometimes, seeing what you don’t want to become can also really change you. So while I think this PSA is important to help kids who are bullied know they’re not alone and that they’re right to feel bad… I also hope that it’ll help kids realize the consequences of their actions, and prevent them from going down the wrong paths.”</p>
<p>“But it’ll only work if the acting is perfect… if it’s just a wooden recitation of that stupid script we got, no kid is gonna care.”</p>
<p>“You’re right! And that’s why-”</p>
<p>Sakuya goes off on a tangent about an acting technique, which leads to a story about a part-time job, and Masumi is fast asleep before he can go on a third detour. A part of him almost doesn’t want to go to sleep, as weird as that sounds. He feels much better than usual, just laying down and hearing Sakuya’s voice. It’s safe.</p>
<p>But all good things must come to an end.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“Come do a read-through with me, Masumi-kun!”</p>
<p>In his dream, they’re in the practice room - just him and Sakuya. They both have a freshly printed script in their hands, titled simply <em>PROLOGUE</em>. Masumi finds the first page where his lines are highlighted - which doesn’t make sense, because this is a new script and he doesn’t even know what part he’s playing, but it’s a dream - and begins to read aloud. </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>MASUMI:</strong> Uh… Er…</p>
  <p>[<em><strong>MASUMI</strong> looks shocked that she would speak to him, and refuses to meet her eye. <strong>IZUMI</strong> seems worried that she said something wrong.</em>]</p>
  <p><strong>SAKUYA:</strong> Wait, is that Masumi? Masumi Usui?</p>
</blockquote><p>“This is just the day I fell in love with Izumi,” he points out. Sakuya hums, as if he had just said something obviously wrong.</p>
<p>“Huh. That’s an interesting interpretation of the scene.”</p>
<p>“It’s not an interpretation,” he says. “It’s just what happened. I lived it, I can tell you - look, it’s right there in the script.” </p>
<p>Furiously, he points to one of his next lines:</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>MASUMI:</strong> If you’re in, I’m in.</p>
</blockquote><p>“I joined the troupe just because I was in love with her! I - I was only even there for her to ask me to join because I thought she looked pretty!”</p>
<p>Sakuya looks at him with pity, and his skin crawls. “I mean, sure… the reading works on a surface level. But it’s not the only explanation, is it?”</p>
<p>“What the fuck do you even mean? Why are you speaking in riddles?”</p>
<p>“Oh, Masumi-kun, I can’t tell you anything you don’t already know,” he says sadly. “Let’s go back to the beginning of the scene.”</p>
<p>Sakuya takes his hand, and gently points it towards a line - apparently, where they’re going to start reading for this psychoanalytic book club.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><strong>SAKUYA:</strong> I’ve always been into acting, and I saw an ad for a troupe that was recruiting live-in actors, so I said what the hey and filled the application out!</p>
  <p>[<em>Although he has been in the crowd this entire time, it is only now that <strong>MASUMI USUI</strong>, a teenage boy, exits the mass and begins to watch the street act with intense desire.<em> ]</em></em></p>
  <p><strong>MATSUKAWA:</strong> Ooh, I see! Okay then, let’s hear some of the director’s questions for our new entrants!</p>
  <p><strong>IZUMI:</strong> Huh?! Oh. Oh, yes, of course! Here I come with my questions! I mean, here I go!</p>
</blockquote><p>“Ha,” Masumi says defensively. “It says right there in the text - I’m watching with <em>desire!</em>”</p>
<p>“And is Izumi all you could desire, from what you just saw?” He asks. “You were very lonely, Masumi. You still are.”</p>
<p>“I - living in the dorms is nice, I guess. When I got sick, you all came to make sure I was okay… you’re always doing stuff like that. I care about you guys,” he admits. “But I - am I really <em>that</em> pathetic? That I’d confuse something like that for love?”</p>
<p>“You know that I’d never think you were pathetic, Masumi-kun,” Sakuya says, and he’s right. Well, he’s not? Like, he’s wrong to say Masumi isn’t pathetic. He is. But he’s right in saying that Masumi knows Sakuya would never think that. His heart is too big. “And besides, maybe you did have a bit of a crush alongside your longing for family. Then your emotions just got mixed up.”</p>
<p>“So you agree then - I do have a crush on Izumi.”</p>
<p>“Who said anything about Izumi? With the subversive interpretation of the text that this play is operating under, I thought it’d be obvious who you’d have the crush on.”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?” He can feel tears begin to well up, and he knows how embarrassing it is, to be so obviously emotional like this. But he has to. He’s been through so much, and he’s so tired, and he just can’t pretend anymore. </p>
<p>“I already told you, Masumi-kun. I can’t tell you anything you don’t already know,” he says. “Deep down, you already know what I mean. You already know what it meant, when you passed out after seeing me and Tenma-kun. I believe in you. I’m sure you can put the last pieces in place.”</p>
<p>At this point, Masumi is sobbing, as he lets the conclusion wash over him. One that’s lived on the edges of his consciousness for who knows how long - something he’s been compensating for this entire time, forcing himself to rewrite the narrative just to avoid the obvious ending. </p>
<p>But it’s not that easy, really. Even if he’s realized it - that’s still not saying it loud and clear, and that’s still not accepting it as true. If he really goes down this path, it’d mean acknowledging that so much of what he thought was true was a complete lie. What he thought was true about the world, what he thought was true about himself - all of that would be gone. If even back then he wasn’t good enough, when he had clearly defined expectations and societal instructions, then how was he supposed to move on when the road became unclear? </p>
<p>Sakuya wipes his tears gently. “It’s going to be hard, but you’ll be able to handle it. I really hope we’ll be happy.”</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>He wakes up with a start, his sheets drenched in a cold sweat. He’s hyperventilating, to try and catch his breath - from what? It’s not like he was even doing any physical activity in his nightmare. Except maybe running from the truth.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>“Masumi! Are you okay?” Tsuzuru asks, his laptop abandoned as he runs to be by Masumi’s side. “I can get help, if you need-”</p>
<p>“No, please! <em>Stay!</em>” He’s much more desperate, then he’d hope to be, but - it seems he’s not a lot of what he hoped to be. He grabs onto Tsuzurus shoulders, half to stop the man from leaving and half to just have a human to touch.</p>
<p>“Okay, I’ll stay as long as you need,” he says, and Masumi believes him. For so long, Masumi has told himself they’d all leave eventually. That he couldn’t let himself get too attached. He could win over Izumi’s heart, and keep her forever, but even that would require his full effort. There was no way he could be good enough to keep all of them.</p>
<p>And he knows that’s not what Tsuzuru means, not really. He’s just telling him that he’ll stay with him through the night. But it feels like so much more. It feels like his roommate is telling him for the millionth time that yes, they’re a family, and they’re willing to put up with him. And for the first time, the words truly reached his ears. </p>
<p>That in combination with the - well, with the <em>everything</em> else he had going on, it was just too much. If he kept it all bottled up, he was going to explode. He still might. Even if he lets it all out now, perhaps it's too late, and he’ll just be causing more damage. </p>
<p>But he can’t go back to change the past. All he can do now is try to make a better future. </p>
<p>“Tsuzuru, I think I might be gay.”</p>
<p>As soon as the words leave his mouth, Masumi is filled with regret. He imagines a million ways this could go wrong. Tsuzuru would probably just try and tell him he was confused, and that he was in love with Izumi so of course he’s straight - and what Masumi fears the most is that he’d be right. What if it was just the fever getting to him? What if things went back to the way they were once this was all over? He doesn’t want to keep basing his worth on an unattainable goal. He doesn’t want to keep seeing everybody else as a rival for her attention. He doesn’t want to keep living like this. </p>
<p>In reality, there’s only a second or so between Masumi’s confession and Tsuzuru’s response - but to the terrified boy, it feels like an eternity. </p>
<p>“Can I hug you, Masumi?” His roommate's voice breaks the endless silence. Masumi nods, and is pulled into a tight hug, equally as comforting. In his arms, he still feels weak and pathetic - but slightly less so. </p>
<p>“You know that everybody here will support you, right?” He asks it like it’s a question, but it’s really more of a reminder. And Masumi does know that. Mankai being supportive in the abstract was never his problem. He’s still not sure how to explain what his problem actually was - or what his problem <em>is</em>, he supposes. As much as he wants it to be, this still doesn’t feel like it's anything close to over. “And let me be the first to let you know personally. I am so very proud of you, Masumi.”</p>
<p>“What’s there to be proud of? I didn’t even do anything,” he says, interrupting himself with sobs at multiple times, which really didn’t help his case. The point needed to be made, though. He hasn’t done anything. You should only be rewarded after quality effort. There were no participation trophies in the real world. If you wanted something, you had to work hard to earn it.</p>
<p>Tsuzuru wipes away his tears with the sleeve of his hoodie. “Oh, Masumi, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve done so much, just to make it here. Seventeen years isn’t nothing.”</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Tsuzuru holds him in his arms until morning, and when they next take his temperature, his fever has cleared up. </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>He performs in the PSA, and for the first time, he goes on stage for nobody but himself.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>One psychologist appointment, two therapy sessions, and dozens of heart-to-hearts with Tsuzuru later, Masumi is finally ready to talk to Izumi about it.</p>
<p>He’s not excited to do it or anything. He’s dreading the discussion, actually. But he knows it needs to be done. Tsuzuru tells him he doesn't owe anybody an explanation, on this, and maybe he's right in the abstract. But Masumi wants to tell Izumi. He wants this weight off his chest, this ghost exorcised. He still wants Izumi to love him, he’s realized - it’s just that he desires a platonic love.  </p>
<p>And he knows that she cares for him. He’s one of her actors, one of her boys - of course she cares for him. But he also knows that there’s a distance between them. The way he used to treat her created an awkward tension, he put her up on a pedestal and forced her to look down upon him.</p>
<p>He needs to tell her the truth. If he wants to become her friend, he needs to make her understand why he wanted something ‘more’ for so long. Just stopping his flirtations - it doesn’t make up for what he did in the past. It’s been two weeks since he realized, and she’s clearly been more comfortable with him since then, but there’s still an air of unease. </p>
<p>“Izumi, I need to speak to you alone,” he says, and she looks as if he asked her to go to a garbage dump with him. </p>
<p>“It’s nothing like that, I promise you,” Tsuzuru clarifies for him, and - oh, Izumi must have thought he was back on his bullshit. There’s instant relief on her face, and Masumi feels shame run through his veins.</p>
<p>It’s not as if he hadn’t earned that kind of reaction. He had done some pretty terrible things. He invaded her privacy and interfered in her affairs and ignored her boundaries. He knows he’s not the only one in the company, who has made some serious mistakes. Taichi and Chikage tried to sabotage the theater, and Izumi welcomed them back in with open arms. But he needs to own up to his mistakes, and explain why he made them, for the process to begin. </p>
<p>His therapist has asked him to ban the words ‘pathetic’ and ‘broken’, among many others, from his vocabulary for the time being, so he searches for the language to describe how the whole thing makes him feel about himself. When he explains his story to Izumi, he does not tell the tale of a pathetic boy who was so broken that he confused a baby crush and a desire for family for instant love and ruined her life in the process. </p>
<p>He tells her the tale of a lonely boy, who misidentified the first love he felt in ages and took misguided and unmistakably wrong actions in the process, ones that he now regretted and wished to make amends for. </p>
<p>Coming to the realization that he was gay was a complicated and messy process - one that made him feel like he was being taken apart piece by piece and then delicately put back together into a new man.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Twitter is @Azami_lzumida (thats an L, not an I in Izumida. I regret choosing this handle okay.)</p>
<p>Thank you so much for making it this far! I'm going to ramble a bit here at the end, but before I do *youtube voice* be sure to kudos, comment, and subscribe! Or don't, I guess, but it'd be much appreciated! :D</p>
<p>Notes on this monster:</p>
<p>- I had a really major misunderstanding of how the dorms were laid out for a while, and I thought each of the rooms on the 2nd floor had a private balcony that overlooked the courtyard? So originally, Hisoka took Masumi there to nap, but then I watched the anime and realized my error. Had to do some rewriting to fix that, but I think it ended up adding to the intrigue - in the original Tenma and Sakuya were able to hear Masumi bonk as he passed out, and realized that he probably saw them. </p>
<p>- I actually have the vaguest outline of what I think the character arcs of the PSA play "event" would have been. Obviously, Masumi's is overworking himself due to the Mental Illness problems he is having. Sakuya's is getting to play the role of a pure villain, representing the fact that his acting range has improved. Yuki, who is mentioned in literally one line as also having a bully role, has an arc where he reflects on the bullying he faced and questioning if his attitude towards people also perpetuates this same problem. In the end, he still remains the sour and snarky Yuki we all know and love, but learns when to tone it back and how to ask if he's going too far. </p>
<p>- Masumi doesn't ever say the word "gay" until he says it to Tsuzuru, not even in his internal monologue. Up until that point, he just vaguely refers to it, afraid of what happens if he faces it head on. It's only through the support of Tsuzuru that he's able to speak his emotions. </p>
<p>- Speaking of Tsuzuru - in the earliest draft of this fic, a major plot point centered around a misunderstanding involving him. For some reason, I was convinced that in the JPN story, Masumi had an arc where he started to help Tsuzuru write the scripts? So I had this whole thing planned where Masumi was literally like "it was exhausting telling you all of that, I don't want to do it again. I'll just write a play about it for the Winter Troupe to perform, and I'll tell the company before that it's about me and I'll refuse to answer any more questions." Writing it all out, I'm really not sure what I was quite thinking with this idea, but it did give me this wonderful note in my drafts, from when I was trying to work out the casting of the play (this would have ended up being Hisoka's role, btw):</p>
<p>                   WHO SHOULD THE SIXTH PERSON EVEN BE. I GUESS WE NEED LIKE. A VILLAIN. BUT THE VILLAIN IS HETEROSEXUALITY SO???</p>
<p>- I tried my best to refer to the wiki when it came to all the different names the characters call each other, but if I made any mistakes, please let me know! For the only original character with dialogue, the doctor, I just had her use "-san", because I wanted to evoke the feeling of an adult who calls children stuff like "Miss [firstname]" and "Mister [firstname]", so a formal title combined with the first name, and I think that "-san" is the best equivalent from my research. Let me know if I'm misunderstanding that too, though!</p>
<p>Okay, I think that's really it. Thank you for listening to my ramblings, and yet again - thank you so much for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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